Sunday, October 21, 2018

Domestic Abuse Misconception #21

Domestic Abuse Misconception #21: After a victim has established boundaries and pulled away from the abuser, his declaration of love and displays of affection are proof of his genuine love for her. Unfortunately, this behavior is incredibly common and is called "hoovering," because it is meant to suck the victim back into the relationship. It isn't a sign of love. It is a sign of control. 

Abusers need power and control. And they fear abandonment. When a victim starts to break away they will do anything and say anything to stop it. While we have seen that this is often when violence takes place, some with take the "catch more flies with honey" approach. 

Just as the abuser love bombed his way into the relationship at the beginning, he may try this tactic again when he feels he is losing control. It is important to see it for what it is. It is important for others to see it for what it is. 

(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)

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