Domestic Abuse Misconception #10: Nobody's perfect. We are all sinners. So both parties share in the responsibility for the abuse.
If I had a dollar for every time I or one of my dear friends have encountered this idea....
Again, here is the problem of someone who knows about one thing assuming that it applies to something else they don't understand.
Yes. It is true. Nobody is perfect.
Yes. It is true. We are all sinners.
But HELL NO! Both parties do NOT share in the responsibility for the abuse.
Please remember this. Abuse is the use of power and manipulation to control another person. Abuse sees the other person as less than. As a piece of property. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement. An abuser uses whatever means to get what he wants regardless of the wishes or needs of the other person.
Assuming that both share in the responsibility is basically saying that the victim deserved the abuse.
In case this isn't clear enough I will say it again. THERE IS NEVER EVER A VALID REASON TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON.
All those pithy sayings about marriage...."It takes two." Well, yes. It takes two to tango. It takes two to have a healthy marriage. But it only takes ONE to DESTROY IT.
Victims are abused twice over. First from the abuser and second from those who tell her that the abuse is her fault and if she would just .....whatever.....submit, build him up, lose weight, have more sex....then he would quit destroying her life.
OK, people. How cruel can you be to do this to someone? Yet it happens all the damn time.
Please understand this. There are no perfect people but abuse is not a relationship problem or a marriage problem. ABUSE IS AN ABUSE PROBLEM.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #9
Domestic Abuse Misconception #9: A victim should just keep these matters to herself. A wife, especially, should not disclose abuse because doing so is dishonoring to her husband.
This is an idea that is more likely to be found in church circles, which often confuse disclosure with gossip, and perhaps more "polite" society where "we just don't talk about those things."
The truth is that abuse, any kind of abuse, thrives on secrecy. The first step out of abuse is disclosing that it is happening. It is not dishonoring to disclose abuse. It is about the only way to make it stop. And it is the only path toward healing.
Secrets are rarely a good thing. They aren't healthy. They isolate. They wear a soul down with shame. The Bible continually calls us to expose evil. Ignoring evil or covering it up only leads to more destruction.
It is important to tell someone if you are being abused, controlled, manipulated. Now, the challenge is that telling someone who doesn't get it and is dead set on fixing you or setting you straight or telling you what they think you need to do can be incredibly damaging to your trust. Call your local domestic abuse hotline (in the Asheville area it is Helpmate at 828-254-0516) or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Share with a trusted friend. Shoot, share with me if you don't know who to tell. I can help you find safe people to talk to.
And for those of you who are receive the honor of being entrusted with such difficult information, here is information from the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in Australia (abuse is a global problem):
This is an idea that is more likely to be found in church circles, which often confuse disclosure with gossip, and perhaps more "polite" society where "we just don't talk about those things."
The truth is that abuse, any kind of abuse, thrives on secrecy. The first step out of abuse is disclosing that it is happening. It is not dishonoring to disclose abuse. It is about the only way to make it stop. And it is the only path toward healing.
Secrets are rarely a good thing. They aren't healthy. They isolate. They wear a soul down with shame. The Bible continually calls us to expose evil. Ignoring evil or covering it up only leads to more destruction.
It is important to tell someone if you are being abused, controlled, manipulated. Now, the challenge is that telling someone who doesn't get it and is dead set on fixing you or setting you straight or telling you what they think you need to do can be incredibly damaging to your trust. Call your local domestic abuse hotline (in the Asheville area it is Helpmate at 828-254-0516) or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Share with a trusted friend. Shoot, share with me if you don't know who to tell. I can help you find safe people to talk to.
And for those of you who are receive the honor of being entrusted with such difficult information, here is information from the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in Australia (abuse is a global problem):
- Listen to what she has to say.
- Believe what she tells you. It will have taken a lot for her to talk to you. People are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, rather than to make it up or exaggerate. You might find it hard to imagine someone you know could behave abusively. But the person who is abusive will probably show you a very different side to the side the victim sees.
- Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally. Don’t underestimate the danger she may be in.
- Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her or her children.
- Tell her you think she has been brave in being able to talk about the abuse, and in being able to keep going despite the abuse.
- Help to build her confidence in herself.
- Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do. Let her know you think that the way her partner is treating her is wrong. For example, ‘No-one, not even your husband, has the right to mistreat you’
- Help her to protect herself. You could say ‘I’m afraid of what he could do to you or the children‘ or ‘I’m worried that it will get worse’ . Talk to her about how she thinks she could protect herself. See the section ‘Helping to increase her safety’ (see below).
- Help her to think about what she can do and see how you can help her to achieve it.
- Offer practical assistance like minding the children for a while, cooking a meal for her, offering a safe place to stay, transport or to accompany her to court, etc.
- Respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Respect her cultural or religious values and beliefs.
- Maintain some level of regular contact with her. Having an opportunity to talk regularly to a supportive friend or relative can be very important.
- Find out about Intervention Orders (Victorian name for a court protection order – in NSW these are called ‘Apprehended Violence Orders’, and in other states they are ‘Protection’, ‘Restraining’ or ‘Domestic Violence’ Orders) and other legal options available and pass this information on to her if she wants it.
- Tell her about the services available. Remind her that if she calls a service, she can just get support and information, they won’t pressure her to leave if she doesn’t want to.
- Keep supporting her after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her, as the abuse may increase. She may need practical support and encouragement to help her establish a new life and recover from the abuse. She could also seek counselling or join a support group.
Monday, October 8, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #8
Domestic Abuse Misconception #8: If things are really that bad then she would just leave.
The truth is that things can still really be "that bad" but she doesn't leave for so many reasons.
She doesn't leave because she still has such a strong emotional connection with her abuser.
She doesn't leave because she is financially dependent on her abuser.
She doesn't leave because she doesn't want to have to let her children spend time alone with her abuser without her there to protect them.
She doesn't leave because nobody would believe her and she would have no support.
She doesn't leave because she has nowhere to go.
She doesn't leave because her church might tell her it is wrong to do so.
She doesn't leave because she knows that wherever she goes, he will be able to find her.
A victim will leave her abuser and return and leave and return a number of times, the average being seven, before she leaves for good. The process of leaving is a terrifying and brutal process and it is terrifying for good reason. 75% of homicides occur as the victim tries to leave or in the several weeks after she leaves. It is, in many ways, safer to stay in the relationship.
This is why it is so very important for a victim to reach out to trusted and informed friends or a domestic abuse shelter and make a safety plan.
This is why it is so very important for a victim to reach out to trusted and informed friends or a domestic abuse shelter and make a safety plan.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help in figuring out what to do next or making a safety plan, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or in the Asheville area you can call Helpmate at 828-254-0516.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #7
Domestic Abuse Misconception #7: If there has been no physical abuse then it is not dangerous. This couldn't be further from the truth. I already emphasized in a previous post that abuse is still abuse, even if there has been no physical violence. That all the various other forms of abuse--emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, verbal--all, over time, tear down a victim to the point that she is a shell of her former self. Often victims are actually driven to alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism or even to suicide to escape what has turned into a living hell.
But listen to this and listen well: In 28-33% of all domestic violence MURDERS, there has been NO PRIOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
So before you dismiss the evil of abuse as "not that big of a deal because he doesn't hit her," take the above statistic to heart. Abuse, in any form, should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
Here are some more statistics for consideration.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
But listen to this and listen well: In 28-33% of all domestic violence MURDERS, there has been NO PRIOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
So before you dismiss the evil of abuse as "not that big of a deal because he doesn't hit her," take the above statistic to heart. Abuse, in any form, should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
Here are some more statistics for consideration.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6: There is no way to know if a person will turn abusive. The truth is that there are red flags.
Yesterday I talked about how abusers don't necessarily look like abusers. How very hard for all concerned, then. Are there no caution signs at all? No way to know if your current boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) will one day turn abusive and/or violent? Well, there are characteristics that serve as red flags. I think these need to be taught to everyone, especially young people getting into relationships.
Here is an excellent list of red flags. Please note that these behaviors generally escalate. And if any of the last four behaviors (14-17) are present along with several of the others, then there is a heightened risk of physical violence.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6: There is no way to know if a person will turn abusive. The truth is that there are red flags.
Yesterday I talked about how abusers don't necessarily look like abusers. How very hard for all concerned, then. Are there no caution signs at all? No way to know if your current boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) will one day turn abusive and/or violent? Well, there are characteristics that serve as red flags. I think these need to be taught to everyone, especially young people getting into relationships.
Here is an excellent list of red flags. Please note that these behaviors generally escalate. And if any of the last four behaviors (14-17) are present along with several of the others, then there is a heightened risk of physical violence.
Friday, October 5, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5: It is easy to tell who is an abuser because he will act like one to everybody. There is no way anybody I know is an abuser.
Oh, how I wish this were true. Then it would be easy to stay away from one. Maybe even easier to get away. It would certainly make it so much easier for the victim to be believed. But that isn't how abuse works.
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and nationalities and ethnic groups and religions and socio-economic classes with any level of education or none at all. You can't walk up to a crowd of people or sit down at a dinner party or fellowship with people at church and say, "Oh, THAT guy is an abuser." You just can't tell that easily.
One of the biggest obstacles for a victim is to disclose the abuse only to be told by others that there is no way that is happening because her abuser is so very nice.
This is what you need to know.
Abuse is about power and control. It isn't about a bad personality. Abusers can be warm, smart, funny, and completely and utterly charming. They are the ultimate wolves in sheep's clothing. Most abusers do so in private, behind closed doors. Those who physically abuse their victims often inflict damage on parts of the body that nobody else will ever see. Emotional abusers may act like Dr. Jekyll in front of others and turn into Mr. Hyde behind closed doors. It is possible for close family and friends not to know of the abuse, even when they see the victim struggling to cope with life.
I have known victims whose children didn't even understand the abuse was happening because it was so very clandestine and the abuser wielded his power and control out of sight of the children (though children witnessing the abuse is much more common and an issue to be addressed in another post).
The point of this post is that you cannot assume that just because a person doesn't seem like his is abuser, he isn't. Abusers are masters at manipulation and changing a narrative to their benefit. There are, however, red flags to look for. I will share those tomorrow.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5: It is easy to tell who is an abuser because he will act like one to everybody. There is no way anybody I know is an abuser.
Oh, how I wish this were true. Then it would be easy to stay away from one. Maybe even easier to get away. It would certainly make it so much easier for the victim to be believed. But that isn't how abuse works.
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and nationalities and ethnic groups and religions and socio-economic classes with any level of education or none at all. You can't walk up to a crowd of people or sit down at a dinner party or fellowship with people at church and say, "Oh, THAT guy is an abuser." You just can't tell that easily.
One of the biggest obstacles for a victim is to disclose the abuse only to be told by others that there is no way that is happening because her abuser is so very nice.
This is what you need to know.
Abuse is about power and control. It isn't about a bad personality. Abusers can be warm, smart, funny, and completely and utterly charming. They are the ultimate wolves in sheep's clothing. Most abusers do so in private, behind closed doors. Those who physically abuse their victims often inflict damage on parts of the body that nobody else will ever see. Emotional abusers may act like Dr. Jekyll in front of others and turn into Mr. Hyde behind closed doors. It is possible for close family and friends not to know of the abuse, even when they see the victim struggling to cope with life.
I have known victims whose children didn't even understand the abuse was happening because it was so very clandestine and the abuser wielded his power and control out of sight of the children (though children witnessing the abuse is much more common and an issue to be addressed in another post).
The point of this post is that you cannot assume that just because a person doesn't seem like his is abuser, he isn't. Abusers are masters at manipulation and changing a narrative to their benefit. There are, however, red flags to look for. I will share those tomorrow.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4: All marriages go through difficult times. What she is calling abuse is just a rough patch that she needs to push through and get over.
This is probably one of the most damaging misconceptions out there because it minimizes the abuse and calls it something it isn't. It is absolutely horrifying and demeaning and heartbreaking for a victim to finally have the courage to speak up and be honest about what she is experiencing only to have people tell her, "Oh, everybody goes through hard times."
There is a huge difference between a marriage that is, at times or even most of the time, stressful, difficult, disappointing or tedious and one that is destructive and abusive. Remember that abuse is about power and control and ownership and the systematic tearing down of another person.
NEVER ASSUME. Never assume that because someone tells you the tip of the iceberg that you know the whole story. Listen carefully, get clarification, and say tenderly, "Tell me more."
Leslie Vernick wrote a wonderful piece in one of her columns that explains the differences between a difficult, disappointing and destructive marriage.
Do you see the difference?
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4: All marriages go through difficult times. What she is calling abuse is just a rough patch that she needs to push through and get over.
This is probably one of the most damaging misconceptions out there because it minimizes the abuse and calls it something it isn't. It is absolutely horrifying and demeaning and heartbreaking for a victim to finally have the courage to speak up and be honest about what she is experiencing only to have people tell her, "Oh, everybody goes through hard times."
There is a huge difference between a marriage that is, at times or even most of the time, stressful, difficult, disappointing or tedious and one that is destructive and abusive. Remember that abuse is about power and control and ownership and the systematic tearing down of another person.
NEVER ASSUME. Never assume that because someone tells you the tip of the iceberg that you know the whole story. Listen carefully, get clarification, and say tenderly, "Tell me more."
Leslie Vernick wrote a wonderful piece in one of her columns that explains the differences between a difficult, disappointing and destructive marriage.
Do you see the difference?
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