Jemar Tisby wrote yesterday,
"Here's how you knpow someone is 'tone policing' you and what might be going on. People don't comment on the content of your message, but they critique your delivery. You say something hard but true, and they slide in your comments telling you to be more 'gracious,' 'balanced,' or 'loving.' They shift focus from the injustice you're naming to the feelings your words provoke in them. Tone policing isn't about you, it's about them. They support justice intellectually, but emotionally resist the urgency, repitition, or directness that justice requires. Not only do they want to avoid their own discomfort, they want to make themselves superior. By telling you to soften your mesage, they're presenting themselves as 'balanced.' As the calm, rational voice above the fray. By contrast, you are the 'emotional,' 'angry,' 'irrational' one. Justice isn't polite. Discomfort is not an attack. Truth-telling requires a tone that matches the moral weight of the harm."
That's a lot of soak in. Mind that he's not saying that in everyday life tone doesn't matter. It does. We all do need to, for the most part, make sure that our tone toward one another is respectful and kind.
But....
But there are situations where someone speaks of a terrible wrong or grave injustice and, instead of that message being heeded and acknowledged and addressed, that person is chided for their tone, taking the entire focus off of the wrong or injustice.
Imagine backing over somebody's foot. You might not have even meant to back over their foot, but you did. In their pain the victim yells at you and, instead of rushing to their aid, you stop and tell them that you don't like their tone. That their emotional display is offensive, that they need to learn to communicate better, and that the shattered bones in their foot are no reason to raise their voice.
That would be truly ridiculous and you would wonder what sort of person has such a fragile ego that they can't handle a little harsh language from a someone with a deep wound.
A few years ago this happened to me. I sent an email to a group of people who had cause profound spiritual wounds to both me and a member of my family. I had waited years to communicate as it took me that long to be able to write without the emotional intensity that I knew would be offputting. I pleaded with them to reconsider their words, asking how those words looked anything like Jesus.
I got no reply. I was told I would be getting no reply. And when I asked why I would get no reply, I was told that my "tone seemed harsh and accusatory." End of story.
Their lack of response to my genuine and heartfelt plea absolutely crushed me. It still takes my breath away.
Who, when learning of something they did that caused incredible damage, doesn't respond? That is kindergarten level interpersonal skills. "Tell Jimmy you are sorry" type stuff.
I honestly don't understand the "you are not worthy of a response" and then throwing in my tone as an excuse.
Imagine putting it on the wounded or oppressed to soften their tone, twist it into some acceptably tasty pretzel, and package it in a palatable way in order for you to believe they deserve any help or even a basic apology.
Let's be careful not to tone police those who are expressing their pain, even when they express it in ways we find distasteful, intense, or even threatening. Let's try to look beyond the tone to the "moral weight of harm." Let's acknowledge that harm and, if it is within our power to do so, let's do something about it.
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